I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
