maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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