please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
