Old men and throwing up are my life now.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
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