Already got asked if we're dating
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
