Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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