don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
