I'm really into asian looking animals
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
