Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
