just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
