over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
