i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
