youre lurking in front of me
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
