I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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