That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
