So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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