i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
