At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
