i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
