so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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