11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
