i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
