They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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