Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The best revenge is premature balding
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
