my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
