I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
