Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
