At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
