I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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