you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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