My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
