I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
no. you can't hotbox the world.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
