Pappa wants mamma naked
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
