It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
