just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Randomize
