He asked me if I "almost moaned"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
