Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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