so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
