Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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