they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
