so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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