I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
farters have to be the big spoon...
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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