so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
