Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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