Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Randomize
