So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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