i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
