i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
