I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
