a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I feel like I'm in dance class right now
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
