hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Alive.
So much puke
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
