If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
