1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
